My Angel, My Light
by Kaz McDonell Miller
Summary: One-shot; post-thirteenth Angel's destruction. A rendition of Touji's feelings towards his being after the traumatic event.


**a/n:** began may 12th, 2004.  this may be quite strange coming from a sonic author.  yes, i read neon genesis evangelion. i've only seen episodes 17-19, and read up to manga 8.  and as much as i've heard of it, it took me a bit, but i definitely fell in love with it as of late.  especially with one of the most underrated characters, touji suzuhara. gawd i adore him.  and so, here is this little spite of fanfiction based on him.  because he truly is underrated… and apparently i'm one of those eccentric people who find the most under-appreciated characters the most intriguing, most sexy (tee-hee!), and heartfelt—armless or not.  either way, this fic is moreso based on the anime than the manga, because, well.  i don't think the following events would be if i went along the lines of the manga.

**disclaimer: **EVAS, NERV,touji suzuhara and hikari horaki and all other characters are © gainax, inc.  story written by me, of course.

- - - - -

**my angel, my light**  
by: _chi-chi_

The cold slowly crept upon his already clammy skin.  And pain.  Sudden subtle pain accompanied by an anvil inflicted headache.  His eyes slowly slid open, only to be greeted by dull hue of blue fluorescent light.  But unusually, it stung.  Heaven or hell?  What was the difference...  Where am I?  What happened?

_Where am I?  What happened..._

Touji Suzuhara subsided the questions, to pave way for the many more to come.  They remained unanswered; he lay still, quiet.  Was he dead?  No... no, he felt himself breathing, with an aid.  He could only tell because it took a considerable amount of effort to do so... and it hurt his sides.  His pupils finally adjusted themselves to the harsh light, only to reveal the so familiar place... the hospital.  Finally greeted by the sound of steady beeping, and a brief announcement on the intercom in the hallway, he realized that he was indeed alive—a miracle, really.  He could have sworn he wouldn't have made it.  It was impossible.

He slowly looked to his right.  Shinji.  EVA-01.  Why was Shinji here?

_Am I dreaming? The hospital... is this where my sister's being held?_ 

More questions.

It was then he started to remember.  The way that EVA-01 mercilessly tore him apart... the way he was treated as an Angel.  The brutality, the fierce passion filled with the justification to kill.  Suzuhara—EVA-03 was the target.  The fear that nearly made him faint—it overwhelmed him... first when he contemplated his existence, then when he first stepped into his EVA, after when his Entry Plug refused to eject when he was out of control... and finally, when his opposing EVA destroyed and crushed him... with no regard.  But... Shinji.  Wasn't Shinji the pilot of Unit 01?  Considering a pilot was his being... wasn't Ikari THE Unit 01?  So why was he _here?_ 

_Did I hurt him?_

A sudden flow of the dark images of his 'last moments' quickly slipped into his mind.  The pain that accompanied him made it even more realistic.  It had happened, and he was terrified then and now.  His head ached with every memory that suddenly came back to him, by then the pain most nearly tripled.  Touji flinched, not only because of his physical excruciating state, but he wondered...  had Shinji really deliberately tried to kill him?  Of course not.  Shinji wouldn't dare to hurt his friends... it explains why he hesitated for what seemed like eternity.  But what made Shinji suddenly decide to destroy the living crap out of him?  Had he done something wrong?

More came back to him... his EVA, Unit 03 had gone out of control.  And it just wasn't a malfunction, but it was an infection.  An Angel of the parasitic nature, Bardiel took over his newly established EVA. Gendou Ikari hadn't labeled Bardiel itself as the 'Thirteenth Angel', but the entire EVA-03, pilot and all.  Suzuhara was an Angel... and it's what caused all of his friends, and humanity to turn against him... the enemy.  He remembered now, Shinji had refused to attack, and thus his father initiated the Dummy Plug System...

Touji suddenly began taking in short ragged breaths.  The fear... the immense fear that was instilled in him, since before he even stepped into the NERV facility had broken him.  The Fourth Child, as he was deemed... was nothing but an Angel.  Thing is, that was one of the least of his worries... he never expected such a disaster to occur, especially that which involved him BEING the actual Angel.

He let out a shaken sigh... he felt his heart thudding against his chest, as if wanting to escape, just as he felt when he was inside his EVA.  The sense of feeling began to return to his body... it wasn't just his head that was aching with horrid pain. His back felt as if it had split in half.  His left ...ugh... the pain.  It felt numb, as his body refused to move as he attempted to.  Yet, he was unaware that his leg was no longer there... it had been severed.  And moving upward, his arm... he'd remembered when EVA-01 started there, beginning the process of dismembering his—Unit 03's—entire body. The area had been bandaged quite tightly, as a false sense of reassurance... because that arm was no longer there.  Touji hadn't the energy to look, considering it took every breath in his body just to wriggle.

He slipped into sleep as quickly as he had awoken. The pain was too much to endure.  He dreamed of a conflict between Ayanami and Shinji.  What is it that they were arguing about? 

_Was it to as why Shinji tried to kill me?  No, he didn't... but hadn't I too, attempted to kill him?  What was going on..._

- - - - - × - - - - - × - - - - - × - - - - -

Touji awoke three days later.

"Uhm..." He was in a dizzy stature now, feeling as if he were being reborn.  Everything seemed brand new to him, except for the lingering pain, anger, confusion... and his sister!

"Wha..." as physically and emotionally drained he was at the moment, his eyes just shut themselves.  It took so much effort just to think.

He heard voices, one of them sounding like a nurse and the other sounding like the Class Rep. Later accompanied by the footsteps coming closer, he opened his eyes as they readjusted themselves to the light once again.  He looked to his right, and there was Hikari, looking right down at him.

"The Class Rep., ain't it?" he smiled at her thoughtfully.

"Suzuhara, are you okay?" she asked.

"Looks like I'm alive, after all." he replied, looking beyond her.  "Where's Shinji?  I thought he was here... I felt him.  Was I dreaming?"

"Ikari-kun left the hospital just yesterday.  You were asleep for three days straight, Suzuhara." she muttered softly.

"Really?  Whoa... three days, huh?  Horaki, you—"

"Uh!  I only came in here as the official duty as the Class Rep. Nothing more..." she huffed, looking away as she kicked herself.

"Heh, I know." he said quietly, staring back up into the ceiling. 

_No, you don't..._ Hikari thought to herself, furious at her chickening out like this.  She barely had enough time left in her visit anyway; she'd have to leave soon.  Next time, I'll tell him.  Hopefully, there'll be a next time.

"Hey, um... I'm sorry I couldn't help you, Kodama and Nozomi with lunch." Touji apologized, most definitely feeling guilty for not being able to do so.

"Oh, don't worry about things like that," Hikari blushed, reassuring him.  "I'm sorry I couldn't bring anything in here for you, though.  They won't allow it..." Touji had nodded, closing his eyes.

"Hey, Class Rep?" he spoke, looking the opposite direction.  "Can I ask you for just one favor?"

"Yes?"

"Why don't you tell my sister that there's nothing seriously wrong with me?  Just so she doesn't have to start worrying about me, now..." Hikari nodded in agreement. 

"OK.  I will.  The hospital west of the school, room 12A?"

"Yeah.  She's used to me coming on Tuesdays and Thursdays... I don't want her to worry." he sighed.

"OK, Suzuhara.  I'll let her know, as soon as possible."

"Thanks."

Hikari stepped out quietly, seeming to not have wanted to leave.

Touji felt a bit of resentment against himself—he didn't feel like being alone now, especially not now. He wanted to ask her to stay just a bit longer.  If Horaki's mere presence can make him feel better than he did, he must've been very painstruck.  Suddenly, his thoughts shifted over to his sister.  This must've been how she felt being in a huge hospital all alone, too.  And she was so much younger than him, how hard her life must be, suffering so much at an early age.  But she was strong, he knew it.  And he'd loved her so much—he tried his best to do everything for her care.

"Mie..." he whispered his affectionate nickname for her, as he suddenly decided to jolt upright, but to no avail.  It was then that he discovered that of the treachery that the first Unit had physically done against him... Shinji, you couldn't have... It had been a mystery as to why it was his left side pained him twice as much than the other.

"NO!" Touji screamed, wide-eyed into the ceiling lights.  What HAD the EVA done to him?  Touji reluctantly turned his head to his right, slowly but painfully wriggling his fingers of his hand.  The scars that remained on his only hand would last for life.  He would forever be reminded of the most horrid experience he had to suffer throughout his bittersweet existence.  "Oh... my god..." He gasped, fearing for checking his left leg again, as it harbored a similar ache... but considering he could see his right foot, and only his right foot under his sheets... it was obvious.

- - - - - × - - - - - × - - - - - × - - - - -

A day passed, and he'd undergone surgery to begin his prosthesis treatment, and remained unconscious for an entire week. During then, he was moved to his sister's hospital.  Touji'd awaken from a deeper sleep than before, but this time he was aware of everything.  It seemed as if his mind had temporarily paused, and just picked back up where it had left off.  It was then his nurse walked in, glad to see her patient finally awake.

"Suzuhara-san?  Are you OK?"

Hot tears streamed down the side of his face, millions of thoughts scattered, misplaced, and shattered.  He started hiccup-sobbing, which hurt his aching chest even more.  His head must've split, if not, exploded with conflict by now.

"I... I..." he stammered.  "I'm a failure..."

The nurse's cheerful face quickly turned to that of sympathy.  "Oh, honey... no you're not.  Don't you see how much of a miracle it is that you survived?" she began to take out her stethoscope, and thermometer.  Touji also hoped that she had morphine.

"But... my sister... Shinji... everyone..."

"Suzuhara is fine.  As a matter of fact, she's just a floor below you."

"NERV... am I still in NERV?"

"No, you were ordered to be moved here two days ago." she sighed, remembering the heartlessness that went into the entire process.  "But, I know you'll pull through.  Both of you."

Touji's face hung in dismay as she began checking his vital signs.  Did they lie to him?  And his own father... did he care at all?  Considering he's had no support from either of his parents and grandparents at all, before and after his encounter, he wondered.  Not only was Touji now 'an Angel', but also he was just a measly test gone wrong... and he was no longer needed. He was simply brushed aside.  With all this overload of negativity, a normal human being would have gone mental.

"I-I may was well be dead.  I'm nothing but trouble." and with that, he began to sob, his natural image of being a tough, headstrong guy, breaking down quickly.  The nurse wiped the tears from the side of his face.

"Don't say that... there are people who need you, you know.  Not just for their purposes, but rather for companionship... your companionship." she whispered, as she injected a reliever into his only arm, and quietly stepped out.  "Remember that."

"A failure..."

- - - - - × - - - - - × - - - - - × - - - - -

Hours passed.  As powerful as the drowsiness of the side effects of his reliever may have been, Touji could not allow himself to drift.  He was much too scared...  terrified, and horrified.  But of what?  Dying again?  Being useless?  Not living to what he had hoped to be?  Not protecting those he loved?  The entire experience in piloting his EVA was a trauma in itself, physically and emotionally.  But with that blasted Angel... the battle!  How did Shinji fare?  He remembered when he last saw him, vision blurred... he was in a hospital bed on his own, just to his right.  Did Touji hurt Shinji as well?  He didn't know.  Was his sister OK?  What about Misato?  And other innocent people... oh, how many casualties there must have been...

The Class Rep!  Before he left to enter NERV, she was the last person he'd spoken to.  And maybe just a few days earlier before his surgery, she actually visited him. Was he dreaming then?  His memory was so fogged.  She claimed that it was just for class duty reasons only, sure.  He felt that it was time to get closer to her, and it must have been the fear that pushed him to do so, but he wanted to make amendments with her when and if he returned.  But now... in this state?  He couldn't care look her in the eye.  He failed at that, too.  Once again, the tears leaked.  He really was useless...

…And that's when she came in, once again.  She held what seemed to be a lunchbox, a look of solemn melancholy etched into her face and posture.  She felt a bit of a sense of joy however; she knew he fared well through the surgery. Plus, this hospital allowed much longer visiting times. Touji was a regular here, as they knew him for visiting his sister. She'd heard his sniffs and moans of pain and aggression as she towarded his room.  Finally... this was the time.  She could not back down.

Touji began to sit up, nearly forgetting about the absence of his left arm.  He quickly blinked away his tears embarrassedly, and reflexively almost attempted to hide what wasn't there.

"Suzuhara..." she squeaked, before looking up at him. Fallen locks of hair shielded her eyes.  She'd been sobbing just earlier, he could tell.  And he noticed the glisten in her eyes, which suggested she was about to wail any moment.  Touji looked away, clearing his throat.

"Please... don't look at me..." he mumbled.

She frowned at him, clenching her teeth as her tears fell freely.  She was almost compelled to inform him that he had class duty, as that used to be her only true sense of real communication with him, but she didn't.  And she realized it was time to be true to herself.  She caught one of her thoughts, as she had so much to tell him... so much to let him know.

"I was... very scared for you, Suzuhara.  It didn't seem like it at first, but... when I heard the news..." she gasped as if trying to catch her breath.  She staggered towards his right bedside, collapsing onto her knees. With her head facing the ground, she slowly spoke. "I was so scared... of losing you." she admitted, looking up to him with tear-filled eyes.  Touji was most definitely taken aback... and yet, how he longed to reassure her.  She was fine before, so what was with the sudden emotion?  Maybe today was one of her bad days.  However, instead of lingering on the thought, all he did was turn away...

"Class Rep... I'm sorry.  You don't want to associate with me ever again.  Please."

"How could you be so selfish?!" she started to cry out, standing up as she clenched her hands into fists.  "Suzuhara, you might not know it, especially with how I've acted towards you, but..." her voice broke down, as she finally looked him in the eye.  "I was worried!  So worried!" she cried, agony apparent in her screeches.  "If you died... what could I have done? And the surgery, what if you hadn't made it?  I've never actually told you, or showed you," she started hiccupping, collapsing back onto his bedside, onto his chest.  "I..."

"I'm so happy... you made it..." in reality, she longed to tell him that she liked him—but what she felt is that she _loved_ him.  She'd almost lost that chance twice, looking at him now.  Had he died, she never would gotten that chance back.  But yet again, even here she could not bring herself to say it.  Her heart ached with the feeling; she was captured.  She succumbed to her feelings, and lay her head down and just cried. She showed a very high level of self-control when she first visited him a week earlier, but after a week's worth of contemplation, she realized that she could not take it anymore.  The strict Hikari that Touji knew seemed to have willowed away.

Touji swallowed hard, wondering as to why Hikari is all people should acknowledge his mere being.  Especially now, that he was a deformed freak.  It took him a good while to be grateful for what he did have left.  His sight, hearing, his sister and Hikari... he listened as she sobbed into his chest, clutching onto his only arm.  He refrained from objecting to the pain.  But realizing that she had something to say, he decided to aid her in her actions.

"Hey, Hikari... I like you, too." he slightly smiled, forming into a crooked yet appealing smirk.  Hikari looked up at him with wide eyes, seeming to have blushed under her already flushed exterior.  She quickly dropped her head back down and continued to wail even louder.  Touji sweatdropped.

"You'd figure that'd make girls feel better.  Sheesh." he chuckled lightly, finally deciding to wiggle his toes when he remembered that he was a leg short.  _Oh... my ...god..._

"Suzu-Suzuhara..."

"Touji.  Call me Touji," he sighed.  Embarrassed, Hikari sat up and looked down again, and heaved a sigh.

"I think my heart split in two, Su—eh, T-Touji... I have so much to let you know... but I don't want to burden you with the fact that I'm only c-confessing to you, now... especially when I had the chance earlier… please..."

"Don't worry about it.  I'm listening.  I felt that you've wanted to let me in on somethin' for a while, anyway.  You were acting pretty stoic as of late."

Hikari blinked at his sudden understanding.  And Asuka wondered why she found interest in such a dolt as Touji.  Silly girl, couldn't she clearly see his kindness and compassion?

"Touji," she nearly blurted out to yelp what her heart ached to feel.  She'd bit back, wondering why?  Why the hell was she hesitating?

"That's more like it..." he smiled gently, unknowing of what to do except to pat her head.  "Um... heh." he did feel a bit relieved however, seeing as how a helpless girl who actually cared for him was sitting there, crying on his shoulder.  He no longer felt the drear of loneliness.  He admitted to himself that he was almost ecstatic when she stepped in.  Then his thoughts shifted to why?  Why me?

Hikari'd finally stopped sobbing, staring into the empty void of the open door leading to the corridor ahead.  Touji himself seemed to have relaxed, and she felt that his muscles had loosened up their tense state.  She lay her head back down on his chest, the sound of his still-beating heart bringing her much relief.  They nearly lulled her to sleep.  How happy, yet distressed she was...

She had been aware of his fatalities since the first day she came in to check on him.  The doctors presented him with the choice of undergoing prosthesis, in order for him to sort of regain his lost limbs, in the form of prosthetic limbs.  He agreed, and after the first surgery, it was decided that he should be transferred to the hospital where his sister was being held. 

Considering the technology nowadays, one could go under surgery to obtain prosthetic limbs, and connect it to the actual human nervous system.  With the injuries resulting from Angel attacks anyway, it was a certain that this field of technology was due to improve. Touji had accepted, and this is why he underwent surgery the previous week, a day after Hikari's visit.  Physiotherapy was also a necessity, as it was known that not all man-made instruments will always be one-hundred percent. This hospital had much better physiotherapy sessions, anyway.  If there was anytime that Touji needed someone at his side... it was now.  More than ever.

"Hikari..." Touji looked to her, suddenly melancholy.  "What... what is it that you truly see in me?  Why not Shinji?  Or Kensuke?  I understand you ain't pitying me... and I appreciate that... but why?"

Asuka had asked her the very same question, and Hikari replied to her with ease.  Maybe with an assistance of the feminine blush and girly giggle, but she had no trouble expressing herself.  He was kind.  It was his compassion, his imperceptible sensitivity... and as tough and hotheaded he had seemed to be, was most definitely one of those pure-hearted people.  How many older brothers did you see making a hospital visit to his severely injured seven-year old sister a necessity, with no care for whoever taunted him, and constantly worried about her, cried over her?  As he reassured, kissed, hugged and let her know that he loved her?  Not too many, I presume.

But now, with the question coming directly from him, it seemed as if cat caught her tongue.

"It's... it's your..." she stammered, trying to find the right words.  What was wrong with her?

"You don't know, eh..." he sighed, looking away once again.  "I haven't done anything for you... or anyone as a matter of fact.  I can't even protect my sister... I'm a failure at existing," his voice raised slightly, as he tightly clenching the fist of right hand.

"I'm a failure Hikari!  A freakin' failure!!" Touji screamed, pulling away from her.  She was startled, blinking away tears.

"Touji, no you're not—"

"Yes, I am!" he cried, gritting his teeth furiously.  He pounded on his bed, tears streaming down his face.  The speed of the steady beeping in the room seemed to have hiked a bit, as if to add to the dramatic effect.

"What did I do to aid humanity, huh!?  Nothing!  Nothin' at all!  If anything, I was just a cruel Angel.  Who knows how many people I've killed...?" he growled, tears stinging as harshly as his reality.

"But Touji, it wasn't your fault."

"Then whose fault was it, Hikari!?  Tell me now!  Ikari, Sohryu, and Ayanami... the actually protect and defend _against_ the Angels.  I was the enemy, Hikari.  All this, I wanted to do for my sister, at least... when I was moreso putting her in even more trouble!" he yelled hastily, catching his breath.  "And now look at me!  I'm literally half a person!  I've failed at being human... how could you possibly..."

Touji began to break down, burying his face in his one hand.  Hikari felt her own tears stinging in her eyes, her heart breaking down with each excruciating breath Touji released.  He understood that she didn't just come to visit him for the sake of class duty.  And he'd only accepted to task as a pilot for his needy sister... she never imagined that Suzuhara would allow her to see him in this state, ever.  But the feeling must have been so overwhelming, not even the evilest of souls could ever harbor it for so long.  It was strange, and painful seeing the hurt and fear he has endured.

"Touji..." she weakly whispered.  "Touji, Touji... please, I-I'm here for you," she whimpered.  Touji inhaled deeply, despite the pain it caused.  He slowly opened his eyes.

"Do I really deserve to be in your presence.  Hikari?"  He asked, slowly regaining his composure.  He was still breathing heavily, remembering the moments that had led up to his temporary death from the second he intertwined with his EVA.  The fear was gut-wrenching.  He had a vague memory of when he first awoke from his trauma, seeing Shinji at his side, also hospitalized.  Had they really destroyed each other?

"Touji..." Hikari sat, looking at the floor.  So much to tell him, and how she longed to reassure him.  "Touji..." she slowly took his hand, feeling helpless.  She was most definitely tired of crying, but now was the time to be strong.  Strong, because the one she'd cared about needed as much support as he could get.  She lifted it to her face, almost reluctantly, yet willingly at the same time, and started to nuzzle it before finally admitting her declaration.

"I love you, Touji Suzuhara."  It may have not answered his question, but she was sure it must've answered a lot of things he'd wondered about her.  Those simple words seemed to have made all the difference.  Touji looked to her, slightly startled.  The cold he had been feeling for days began to subside, as it was quickly replaced by some inexplicable warmth.  He could sense that she did not say what she said for the hell of it—he could feel it.  He drew in a breath slowly, letting his clutched fist unfurl itself as he felt the softness of her skin.

"Do I... look okay to you?"

"Huh?" she asked, wondering if he'd even heard her.  That would be most embarrassing.

"I mean... heh.  Lookit me.  I have one arm, and a leg now.  You've considered me a pervert on plenty of occasions.  You're head of the class, and I'm one of the worst students.  I'm just a jock who cares about sports and food.  Would you really want to kiss a guy like me?" he smiled slightly, almost forgetting about his massive headache.  In truth, with the question he was asking, he wasn't being literal.  He was simply wondering.  Hikari took the hint a step higher than he intended to, as she started shaking off her confusion.  As much of a tough guy he seemed to be, he most certainly had the eccentric, yet sweetest ways of expressing himself.

"I think you look just fine, Touji," she said firmly, seeming to have gone back to her disciplined state.  She stood up with a sudden surge of decorum, and when they both least expected it, she leaned over, placing her lips over his.  As never-ending as it seemed, it was pretty quick, yet pleasing to the both of them.  If anything, Touji was definitely surprised—she certainly wasn't kidding when she said she loved him!  When she broke away, she was a bit startled with herself for successfully carrying on one of her most gallant duties, ever.  Besides, the look on Touji's face was darn priceless.  Come to think of it, she really hadn't seen him blush except for when he was holding up his occasional personal peep shows, but now instead of it aggravating her, it made her feel a tenderness towards him.

The feel of the kiss was lingering in his head—which was a good thing because it began to override all of the negativities he had harbored.  Yeah.  Maybe he can start over, and consider it a challenge to himself.  He was not useless, because he realized there were people who needed him.  Ikari, his sister, Horaki… How Horaki got him to begin to think optimistically, he had no clue, but it was most definitely for the better.  The first thing he'd do when he became mobile was to reassure his sister, and make amendments with Hikari as he had wished.

"How's that for a Class Rep?" Hikari blushed, smiling cutely.  She had always envisioned them together as a couple, hugging and kissing... but none of her fantasies ever involved her first kiss occurring at a hospital.  At least, at least it was good.  Touji returned the smile, his happiness completely genuine.  It felt euphoric to the both of them that they could support each other.

"Thank you, Hikari," he said softly, looking at his sheets, seemingly embarrassed.  Hikari nodded in reply, as she started to look at the lunchbox she'd brought in, her heart pounding.  She picked it up nervously, and smiled at him.

"R-remember when you apologized for not being able to help me and my sisters finish our lunches?  Well... I 'saved' this especially for you.  After you're through with this, I doubt that you'd need to buy lunch anywhere anymore..."

**_end _**_- 15.may.2k4 (10:43 PM)_


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